Farewell Another Saturday
I have not precisely been feeling motivated these past few weeks.
It seemed like I was on autopilot. That means that I currently operate within the spheres of my competence, and I struggle with doing or completing everything that is presently not muscle memory.
Thinking of that in the totality of the sentence alone might make it seem like a small thing. However, for context, if eating at a specific time in the day was not muscle memory up until a few weeks ago, I now struggle with it.
The same rationale works for relationship management, emotion regulation, task prioritization, decision-making, and even daily necessities like sleeping.
For someone like me, that can be not reassuring. Not necessarily because of the kind of individual that I am- as I believe that does not affect it, but rather because of the things I am currently committed to and the worries that I now house in my mind. Because of that context, realizing that I’m on autopilot can become an infinite loop of misery. Not just for me but also anyone in my shoes.
Here is the thing, though, I have an affinity for solving problems. So more often than not, I don’t want to dwell on the issues but instead, start to think of a solution. This means that in the past few weeks, I have had several self-therapizing moments and frequently, I come to a conclusion as to what I believe strongly will make me feel better at that moment. That is short-lived because it is almost instantly followed by the feeling of the insufficiency of the solution and how shallow it feels.
It feels like I have no answer to the question of “how can I stop feeling this way?” yet I feel like I’d know what the answer is if I’m faced with it.
A vote in favour of gut-feeling.
In these few weeks, I have battled with self-disappointment and decision making. Most importantly, I have come to appreciate the paradox of life on a different level and in other contexts. I understand now more than ever how this knowledge influences empathy and can help manage relationships better. And I feel pretty confident that there are more benefits to understanding this paradox than I currently know.
Talking about the paradox. Take, for instance, motivation.
We want motivation to get stuff done, but it does not fall from thin air in reality. It is the effect of something being done, you understand? For you to feel motivated, you need to have done something. It is from that feeling of accomplishment that motivation is birthed.
Another instance is the paradox of stability and change.
On the one hand, we feel comfortable with stability. With things being the way we are used to them being. But we also do need change for growth. Thus it seems like we’re in a catch-22 situation. Because who doesn’t want growth?
Sidebar: On the 20th of April, I told myself I needed to get a UI/UX portfolio done by the 20th of May. I had grown too comfortable in my current state, and I realized that if I was going to get better at anything or get a better life, I needed to start focusing on myself. For me, that could begin by me getting that portfolio done in roughly one month. Unfortunately, I didn’t win this time.
I learned something about paradoxes though, and as much as I’m not yet willing to take that learning forward in my life, it could probably come in handy for you. It’s a thought-provoking approach to managing paradoxes and it’s called the duality approach, and it has its fundamentals built on the Chinese philosophy of yin and yang
The Chinese classical philosophy of yin and yang is derived from two of China’s earliest texts, the I Ching (or Book of Changes) and the Tao De Ching. Everything in the world is made up of two opposing parts that are partially antagonistic and partially complementary, according to this ideology. The yin-yang symbol represents the interconnectedness and interdependence of contradictions. It is frequently used to represent unity in opposition, balance, and equilibrium. The sign, however, has many variants. The proportions of yin and yang can fluctuate dramatically, interacting and cooperating dynamically.
Here’s the juice.
Ancient philosophy teaches us that contradictory forces work together as well as against one other. The yin-yang balancing theory emphasizes the existence of radical and moderate factions within each of the two opposing forces, as well as the harmonies and tensions that emerge while they coexist.This goes to say that I cannot be motivated without the presence of a motivating factor (an accomplishment maybe) and at the same time, I cannot get an accomplishment without feeling motivated.
I believe that understanding the duality approach helps one come to terms with the possibility of not being able to rationalize everything. Sometimes, you need the bad to appreciate the good, and more often than not, it comes without explanation.
Alright, back to how I’ve felt in the past few weeks.
I’ve experienced several paradoxes in these weeks, and each time, I question myself like I am to blame (honestly, I still don’t know if I am to be blamed).
One of such paradoxes stands out, though, and it is what I call the misery of Saturdays.
When the week gets miserable, you look forward to Saturday because it feels like it comes along with some misery relief. And as much as that day feels like a gift, one that helps us find our way out of whatever dark hole we’re in, we probably will not look forward to it if the week was not in its least bit, miserable.
But the paradox does not end there.
It can be crazy how a day that is supposed to bring relief and shine a light on the beautiful path towards feeling better can instead illuminate the excesses we have and the million shortcomings that we are faced with.
How can something stereotypically known for relaxation after a ‘not so great week’ deliver so much pressure to you that you’re almost choking?
How can a day pictured sunny with a cool breeze in our minds suddenly become cloudy and unwelcome?
How can we expect a day, but because of what the week had looked like, our mind goes on a drive of making us feel much worse?
That means to look forward to Saturday, your week must have had a taste of discomfort (read as misery), but then if your week had some level of discomfort, your mind probably will prime you to find a solution and do better (maybe in anticipation for the next week).
Don’t get me wrong. I look forward to Saturdays. Like the social conditioning we have been exposed to, it feels like so many good days in one. The day you get your laundry done, the day you catch up with a friend, the day you laze around all day, the day you Netflix and chill, and so on. Saturday feels like the perfect day to get your life in order as it feels like the best possible day to fuck it up irreversibly (or not, depending on your affinity for risk).
But in recent months, for me, Saturday has not just been another day of the week. It’s been an infinite loop of how I feel these days. A feeling of dread masked with hope. A sense of crystallized clarity paralyzed against action. A feeling of tiredness, you know? The type of tiredness you cannot explain. The ones that when you tell the OGs that you’re tired, they nod and embrace you in a never-ending warm hug. Simply put, Saturdays have been a paradox for me.
As I write this on my back in a quiet room, lit by a sole source of light skewed a little from the centre of the room, I can’t help but taste the disappointment on my tongue as I bid another Saturday farewell.
Paradox wins again.
